hategrams
It’s no secret that TwatHead Ventures is the most unsuccessful venture capital firm that ever was. Odds are pretty high that if we (and by we, I mean they) fund it, whatever venture it happens to be, it will end as a catastrophic failure.
To put it in perspective, if THV would have funded Google, Yahoo’s stock would be now trading at $600.
Quel surprise then that every time we send out a capital call or a quarterly report, the hategrams flood our email. Examples sil vous plait:
“This is awesome news. Yet more portfolio companies are going under! By September we should aim to just have one investment in the portfolio. I really don’t know how you manage to pick the worst promising companies but you definitely should turn this into a profession. Oh wait, you have!”
“According to the attached report, you are reinvesting (and I use that term loosely) all the gains from selling company X, which may I add sold for a ridiculous low valuation. The end result is that we, the investors, get screwed again with no gains to speak of. How dare you speak of good results and a promising outlook?!”
“Another capital call? What the heck for? I would have achieved a better return on my investment by just handing my wife a wad of cash. Ten years of giving you money have had the same effect as setting a bag of Franklins on fire and then me having to pay the firefighters for the damage caused.”
“I have decided not to fund the capital calls anymore seeing as just keeping the funds under the mattress is achieving a greater rate of return for me. I am hereby giving you permission to sue me for not funding. I bet you don’t even have the money to pay the lawyers that judging by your piss poor performance so far.”
“The only constant in my investment with your company has been the blazing speed at which it has careened down hill from the start.”
“Thank you for forwarding the latest installment of the funnies. At our house we eagerly await their quarterly delivery as they have the curious effect of making me piss in my pants laughing at my wife’s lack of business sense. There are not many things I can call her out on so I welcome the opportunities you deliver. This is better than the Dilbert strip.”
“I hate you all.”
“Cocksuckers.”
